封緘

今天去了銀行，以為在慌亂之中到郵局將遞補意願書投寄出去。

塗上膠水，似乎想起父親的身分證字號忘記填寫，連忙抽了出來。電話中含糊不清，就連我的字跡也變得扭曲，許多年來我擺脫不了的自欺欺人的爛個性。

摺好，放進白色信封袋，封緘，限時掛號。三十二元硬幣遞出，我想，小小的奢望不會有機會實現。

四月已經過去，惱人的黏膩春天。

難以相信的初夏，不用再去迎合美麗的虛偽翅膀，也不必再過敏。

封緘一切，等我回來的那天，等我知道該怎麼前行。然後還能保有原來的夢，不必再被誰左右，不用自卑亦不用忌妒，持有最潔淨的驕傲，細細品味我親手栽種的花。


'Tis time this heart should be unmoved,
Since others it hath ceased to move:
Yet, though I cannot be beloved,
Still let me love.

My days are in the yellow leaf;
The flowers and fruits of love are gone;
The worm, the canker, and the grief
Are mine alone

The fire that on my bosom preys
Is lone as some volcanic isle;
No torch is kidled at its blaze--
A funeral pile!

The hope, the fear,the jealous care,
The exalted portion of the pain
And power of love, I cannot share,
But wear the chain.

But 'tis not thus--and 'tis not here--
Such thoughts should shake my soul, nor now,
Where glory decks the hero's bier,
Or binds his brow.

--節錄 Byron〈On This Day I Complate my Thirty-sixth Year〉